On Tuesday mediation failed which means the wrongful death trial will start August 19. Before my mind switches to battle mode, another thought fills my mind. And that thought turns to feelings. And those feelings begin to spread throughout my body. And then I cry.

The case was continued and severed and pushed to this date – 4 years after the incident occurred. The court indicated long ago that this was special set and would not be moved.

For the past many months have been trying to plan to be with Noelle and Jonjon on the birth of their first baby. But until we knew if the case would settle or not, it was not possible to plan. Because her due date lands right in the middle of trial.

I love my job and to be in trial. But my kids have been casualties of those trial battles.

Cristina gave birth to Liam when I was putting finishing touches on the brief for the Ride the Ducks trial. Was on the bridge rushing over the moment when Noelle and Alysha gave me the news. The hospital made us wait to see the new family. But still I felt tremendous guilt for not being there. Even though I was able to see them on weekends and holidays over the next four months of that trial – I worked 12 to 16 hour days. Was so proud when they came to closing when Liam was four months old. But was also stricken.

Noelle lives as far aways as Alysha and Cristina live near. North shore of Massachusetts. A six hour plane ride. Then another hour to their home. We won’t have the luxury of me being able to come over on the weekends or in the evenings. They are planning for me to not be there when the baby is born. But I would have still wanted to at least be close. I will get on a plane the minute the trial is over and no sooner. And it won’t be soon enough.

The seesaw of being a trial lawyer and being a mom/grandma is never in balance. All of my children reassure me that they don’t blame me for not always being there for them. But I am not always reassured.

Photo: Noelle (pregnant), Jonjon and Murphy in Massachusetts.